Cuse Country

Home Away From Dome for Syracuse Orange Fans

Paging the Syracuse Offense

Posted by Josh on December 19, 2006

LOUDSPEAKER (voice of Carl Eilenberg): “Syracuse Offense, paging Syracuse Offense. Please pick up the orange courtesy phone. “

SU OFFENSE: (picks up phone, loses grip and drops it on the floor. Scrambles to pick it back up hoping nobody is looking.) “Hello?”

DARYL GROSS: “Well, there you are. What the heck have you been doing, you were supposed to be back on the court for the start of the second half.”

O: “Sorry, I kind of got bogged down.”

DG: “I’ll say. Did you see what happened without you? We lost to Drexel!”

O: “But I told Demetris to take care of things while I was gone.”

DG: “Come on, you know there is only so much one man can do. Everyone knows he covered for you during the Baylor game so you could be out at the holiday party hitting on the women’s soccer team. You can only go to the well a few times before it starts to dry out.”

O: “What about Mookie? Me and him were hanging out like long-lost brothers in the first half.”

DG: “Yeah, well, when you decided not to come out for the second half, the ball didn’t find its way into his hands all that much. You should have seen it — ill-advised jump shots, lazy passes that got intercepted, missed layups, balls fumbled out of bounds. It was like Oklahoma State all over again.”

O: “I told you a million times, it wasn’t my fault I missed that game — my flight to New York City got rerouted through Tampa! This is why I always tell you not to schedule any road games in the fall, no matter what Vitale says. You can’t trust the airlines these days–“

DG: “Fine, fine. I don’t want to get into that argument again. But do you want to tell me where you were during the second half?”

O: “I went outside the Dome for a smoke at halftime and forgot to get my re-entry stamp.”

DG: “Try again.”

O: “Um… I was busy wrapping Terrence’s knee in an Icy Hot patch?”

DG: [silence]

O: “Fine, fine!! I wanted to see that new NBC game show Identity. That guy Penn from Penn & Teller is hosting, and he’s so awesome! He can do magic tricks! Much cooler than Howie Mandel.”

DG: “Identity, huh? At any point, did the thought cross your mind that the team is desperately in need of its own offensive identity?”

O: “Ha ha. How droll. What do you want, a Pulitzer or something?”

DG: “Hey, don’t change the subject jackass. This is your last warning. You better get to the gym and get yourself in shape for the rest of the season. Lay off the fruitcake next week too — you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you and we need you in top condition.”

O: “Don’t be so melodramatic. You know I’ll be ready when the real games start. I always am.”

DG: “One of these years it’s going to catch up with you. It better not be this year, or…”

O: “Or what?”

DG: “Or we’ll promote the Lacrosse Offense to Men’s Basketball and you’ll be reassigned to–“

O: (trembling) “Women’s basketball?”

DG: “No. FOOTBALL.” [click]

O: (stares at receiver for a long moment, pale and shaking. Lets it fall to the floor and runs screaming towards Manley Field House.)


One Response to “Paging the Syracuse Offense”

  1. barb said

    NO one is cooler than Howie Mandel!

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